People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.