The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

Don't work out, work in.

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

If you give people a chance, they shine.