What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

The more you know the less the better.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.