What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

The more you know the less the better.

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.