I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"