Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.

The more you know the less the better.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

I don't aim to offend.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.