Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.