Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.