Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.