Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.