Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

Don't die until you're dead.