Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

I think comedy is difficult, and I'm amazed so many people want to do it. I'll be buying jeans and somebody will say, "I'm a comedian" - the guy selling you the jeans. The desire to be a comedian is weird. I found it weird myself to want to be one; I was a schoolboy when I wanted to be one but I didn't know how to do it. That was 50 years ago, so times have changed greatly. There seems to be a long line of people desperate to do it and most of them are quite good.