Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.