I think comedy is difficult, and I'm amazed so many people want to do it. I'll be buying jeans and somebody will say, "I'm a comedian" - the guy selling you the jeans. The desire to be a comedian is weird. I found it weird myself to want to be one; I was a schoolboy when I wanted to be one but I didn't know how to do it. That was 50 years ago, so times have changed greatly. There seems to be a long line of people desperate to do it and most of them are quite good.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.