My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Don't die until you're dead.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

The more you know the less the better.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.

Try to live in a place you like.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.