My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.