I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.