I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

Try to live in a place you like.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?