I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.

I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.