The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.