I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

I don't aim to offend.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.