A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.