A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.