I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.