Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.