Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
Billy Connolly[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
Billy ConnollyA mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
Billy Connolly