Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.