Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"