What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser!

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

Never trust anybody with only one book.