Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!