The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.