Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.