A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn't know it was the end of the joke.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.