Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.