I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.'

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.