I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

The thing is, I was on YouTube like the golden era, I think. Before ads came in, it was really cool back then.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face.