I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

I just like to write and then perform.

The average person has one Fallopian tube.

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.