I just try to do things on stage that I think the audience would enjoy. And I try to draw on and add to acts that I've enjoyed watching.

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?