When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

I'm very interested in trying to make comedy shows that are a bit bigger, more theatrical, more of a "show." Some people might say I'm trying too hard, but that's a compliment to me. I like to inject a bit of production value and flair to comedy, or at least to my little corner of comedy.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.