When life gets you down, make a comforter!

I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

I see young people being dismissed for supposedly wanting only "stupid" and "easy" material, or that they don't have an attention span longer than three minutes. I disagree with all those statements; I just think they aren't true. I'm saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don't know if I'm doing that, but I'm trying.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.