I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.