I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don't want to construct the show to prove something.

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.

In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.