If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.