I'm bored way too easily. I'm staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?

For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.

I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.