I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.