For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

The average person has one Fallopian tube.

People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.