I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.