I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

The thing is, I was on YouTube like the golden era, I think. Before ads came in, it was really cool back then.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.