Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
The average person has one Fallopian tube.