Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.