If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.
I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
I think comedy has a range, with multiple peaks in different areas. It's like trying to compare Beethoven and the Beatles. Sometimes I hear from people, 'I think you try too hard in your comedy.' And that's what I worry about.
I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.