What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

When life gets you down, make a comforter!