I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.

I just like to write and then perform.