My first concern is that when you go to a show, you should be present. It's much more exciting to put the camera down and lose yourself in it.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, "Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro!" I don't know if that's the answer for me. "Do I really want to make a joke about a miscarriage when a woman in the audience might have had one?" I don't worship comedy; at the end of the day I don't fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly.

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.