I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.'

It's not most important to communicate myself on stage as it is to be as funny or interesting as I possibly can on stage. I feel more like I'm doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.