Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.