Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.

I see young people being dismissed for supposedly wanting only "stupid" and "easy" material, or that they don't have an attention span longer than three minutes. I disagree with all those statements; I just think they aren't true. I'm saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don't know if I'm doing that, but I'm trying.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.