If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there's a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Love is all about... whistles.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.