We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.