I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.