Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.

If I have enough money to support myself, I'll just give stuff away. I just, I want people to see it and I want to be able to do this for a living, you know what I mean? So it's just a balance. If I'm not doing well for five years, then I'm selling stuff, but if I'm doing well and I can afford to give stuff away, I'll always do that.