Comedy should be a source of positivity. I don't want to bully people, and I don't want people to come to my show to feel terrible about something. I'm actually very open to having a conversation about what I should or shouldn't say.

People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.