I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.