The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.