The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.

I can still chase women, only downhill

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Please don't stand up on my account.