If they liked you, they didn't applaud -- they let you live.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.